so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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