You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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