just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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