he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
