if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
