I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
