i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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