My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize