I cannot find my penis.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
