I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
