I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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