I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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