I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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