I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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