No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
