Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
if only i could text you this smell
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
