I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
