Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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