Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
