his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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