Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
