the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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