Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
