Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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