What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just gift wrapped bread.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
