This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
