My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
