I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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