forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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