but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
