Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
