just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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