I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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