Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
