just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
