So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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