You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
