I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if only i could text you this smell
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
