Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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