I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
