i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
