Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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