it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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