There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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