Just fell off a train. Bad.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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