In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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