i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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