i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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