I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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