He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
