I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
