who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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