you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
