You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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