he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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