I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
