Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
