Non-Jews are for practice
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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