I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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